08/05/09 11:58AM
Hello to anyone who reads this. Sorry, I haven't been writing much.
Alot's been going on. I gave my stupid ex-boyfriend another try. I succeeded (YAY!) in getting him to stop drinking, but only after he had a drunken-rage tantrum fit, when I asked him to find my key that was attached to his keys, and he turned over every piece of furniture in his whole apartment. Then he got exhausted, and left it that way for his roommate to clean up, when he got home. I should've seen that he was a loser then (aside from the other 3 times I should have). I got pissed off at him, and went home, crying, tears streaming down my face. I told myself that that night was the last straw! That was Friday.
Of course, he woke up, and told me he missed me, loved me, and that he FINALLY saw he had a drinking problem, and begged me to help him stop. I told him only if he would do it MY way, so he agreed. I told him that I wanted him to go to an AA meeting, to which he said he would go on Sunday. Sunday turned into Monday, Monday turned into Tuesday, and then I put my foot down. I said 'look, dude," (in other words) "you're going, or I'm gone." He argued, and argued, even being angry when we got into the meeting. Of course he blamed me, for...not letting him do it his way, only at this point I didn't care anymore. After the meeting was over, he told me he was going to go to more meetings. I was grateful. I thought it was my big break, the one I had wished, hoped and prayed for, for SO long.
Let me back up a little bit. Saturday, we went to a park just off the lake, where his friends had a keg. We went swimming, ate hot dogs, corn with no butter, and played volleyball. One of his friends (not sure how close they are) sat down very close to me, when I pulled out my camera to take pictures and showed the slightest interest. At that moment, I was so worried that Trey would see me talking to him, so I got up from where I was sitting. Even when we played played volleyball, his friend would drop these small hints about how good of a job I was doing, even though I haven't played since high school. I couldn't help but think about how it should've been Trey who was complimenting me, and showing interest, not his friend. But it just wasn't there...the love...and I was now beginning to realize...
Trey would come up to me, and hug me, and I felt like my world was whole again. Then he'd ask me what was wrong, and as I'd force my thoughts away, I'd say nothing, when it was really everything.
He tried so hard to not drink...and SUCCEEDED! I was so proud of him! Hence, the reason he thought he didn't need to attend meetings anymore. I explained to him that just because he didn't drink for one day, didn't mean he didn't have a problem. Of course he blamed me for being so negative towards the whole situation. After all, didn't I realize how hard it was for him?
In the days since Tuesday...he has told me that if I didn't have an attitude, things would be better, it wouldn't be so difficult for him not to drink, he could be happy...you name it, and in the past couple days, I have realized that no matter what I say or do, I will always be the reason for his downfalls. The reason he's broke, the reason he drinks, the reason he smokes marijuana, the reason for everything bad in his life.
So with that said, we are now unfortunately, finally, and officially done. I'm not really sure who's choice it is. I think it's his because he didn't try enough for me to just make it work, and he probably thinks it's mine because of my attitude. But how can I not have an attitude after all that he's put me through. I feel like I just got out of an abusive relationship. All I keep seeing in my head is all of the overturned furniture in his apartment. All I keep hearing is him saying that he "didn't do anything wrong," but he NEVER thought he did. I ask myself how I could love someone like that...
I am about to get some extra in my hands soon, and I was planning on taking him out to a restaurant with a beautiful view of the lake, to celebrate us. However, every time I told him that it should be the other way around-that he should be taking me out, and treating me like gold, he had an excuse. The last time I told him that (Wednesday), he said "Well, maybe if you didn't have such an attitude, I would," to which I told him that my attitude didn't make him financially unstable. My next step was to try and help him get his finances together, something one of his ex-girlfriends had also tried, yet failed to do. He has a drawer full of bills, to which I'm assuming, go from the mail straight into the drawer. When I tried to get them together, he wouldn't let me. This made me think he has something to hide...
It was THEN...that I realized that he has a drinking problem, he has financial problems, he has commitment problems, and he's all around irresponsible, and he will probably ALWAYS be that way. After all, he's 27 years old, and has nothing to show for it...and as much as I wish I could've fixed him, or helped him, or whatever you want to call it---It was just too much, and you can't help someone who doesn't want it.
I hope he stays sober...but it was only today, that I have forced myself to stop looking back, and realize that his problems can no longer be mine, and that I can no longer worry about him making it, or not making it.
My regrets with this whole matter are that I didn't see it sooner. However, I've learned alot of lessons. He wasn't worth going to an al-anon meeting for, because he wouldn't do it for me if things were flipped. Thiswas something that I had to go through. I told him going into this for the umpteenth time that if I didn't try with him, I would never know what we could or couldn't have been, and as much as it hurts, I feel satisfied that I know the answer to that question. We couldn't have made it, because he didn't want to make it. Everything he did was for me, and not for himself, so...it would've never worked. In a relationship, both people have to want it.
JLo said that she never tried in her past marriages. I know exactly what she means. With Trey, I've never tried so much than I did with him, but at least I have some sort of closure in the whole situation.
I regret not letting his friend talk to me on Saturday. Anyone that shows any type of interest in me, is a step above Trey. I wish I could get in touch with the guy, but if I don't or am unable to, then I'll take it as a lesson learned, and tell myself that it was not meant to be.
Now I'm working on tell myself to let it go, and not to worry if he's drinking, or if he's smoking, or if he's making it financially, or if he's thinking of me, or misses me. After all, he might miss me...but it sure isn't enough for him to actually try very hard...so it's over... the spell is broken. It's bittersweet, but I know I deserve better, that I can do better, and that if I continue to try with him, I'm only selling myself short, and that I'd be settling.
It's time for me to take some time for myself...Time for me to put myself first... Let the happiness begin :)