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Monday, November 29, 2010

Places in Chicago I've been


I'm going to start keeping a blog of all of the places I've been in Chicago. I'm going to try to provide photos.
I made of list of Austin's, but was never able to take pictures of the places I visited. I wanted to eventually make a scrapbook of them, but never got around to doing it, since I moved back home. With that said, there's the Chicago list:
Golden Nugget
Deluxe Cafe
Bottom Lounge
Congress Theater
Navy Pier
Sears Tower (before the glass balcony was put in)
Vic Theater
Jane Addams Hull House
Taste of Chicago
The Green Mill
Trace Lounge
Heartland Cafe (In One Ear)
The Siskell Center
Millenium Park
Coudgate (The Bean)
Maggie Daley Park

Sunday, November 28, 2010

07/24/09 7:39AM
Sorry I haven't wrote in awhile. Things have been hectic. On Thursday, I had my wisdom teeth pulled (boo), but Steve came in (yay!). I did more than I thought I would over the weekend. I went to breakfast for the first time at Cracker Barrell. That place is always busy for breakfast. I took some hydrocodone for the pain, which knocked me the f*&% out! Mental note of things not to take: vicoden and hydrocodone.

I took Steve to Mt. Bonnell, and the 360 bridge. Sunday, we went to 6th Street. I took him to Coyote Ugly. It was fun, yet raunchy to say the least. After we were good and drunk, he told me that he wondered why I never noticed that he liked me, and if it weren't for me, what would he be doing out in Texas? I told him, of course I noticed, I just didn't care for him in that way. Ugh! What another dilemma of things I don't really feel like dealing with...

Now I'm back at work, and my ears won't stop itching because of my headphones...I made a doctor's appt., for them... I also have one, same day for a followup on my teeth.

I got a call for a CNA part-time job. It's all part of my plan to be a baller. (evil laugh here) I hope I get it. I need the money, as I can't make ends meet.

Last night, I slept from about 6pm, til about 6:30 this morning. I have a cold, so when I move my jaw around to unpop my ears, it hurts like hell.

Of course I like to save the best for last: with that said, I've been reading this amazingly interesting, yet sad blog: It's called "The Spohrs Are Multiplying," and it's about this couple who had a baby who was born premature, and all of the struggles they go through, both through pregnancy and after. It is very interesting. If you do read it, I suggest you start with the archives, as it will let you know the history of the story. You can find it here:

Working hard...looking to the future; still waiting for love to fall in my hands, GOD!

Peace, love,
and everything above,

07/25/09 12:26PM
Ah, Wednesday!
Well, yesterday, I told my cousin that I didn't go out on Saturday, because I was too out of it to go anywhere. I told her that for my wisdom teeth being pulled out, I took hydrocodone, and had the same neausea as I did when I took vicoden. To which she told me that hydro IS vicoden....I love it when doctors listen to what a patient says, especially if it's things a patient CAN'T take.
About a month ago, I went out with this guy, who I really liked. I worried, and obsessed over if he was going to call or not. Of course he didn't. The other day, when I was at the airport, picking up Steve, I saw this guy and thought to myself "that's funny, that guy looks like ******, the guy I went out with about a month ago." That was the end of that...until NOW. I just got an IM from said person, who asked me if I was at the airport the other day, as he thought he saw it must've sort of bothered him, that I didn't completely recognize him, and treat him like the GOD that he is (as he HAS always seemed sort of cocky). Now, I am a firm believer in saying everything that needs to be said (or you might not get the chance to, later), so I told him that I liked him, even though talking to him was like talking to a 4 year old: you expect stimulating conversation back, to which you will get NONE. Of course, he had no idea what I was talking about. With that said, I ask this: why the f*#k are guys so darn dense, and stupid, and ignorant, rude, carless, selfish, obnoxious...oh and rude? It is so very frustrating for a guy not even to have the ballz to at least tell you that they don't like you in the same way. I mean, I don't know about other women, but no matter how much guts it takes me to do something I don't want to do, I do it, no matter how afraid, or nervous, I am. I do it, and I say it, because it needs to to be said, because it's the right thing to do, because it makes me feel better, because the other person will know how I feel, ONCE AND FOR ALL! Is that SO MUCH to ask?
08/05/09 11:58AM
Hello to anyone who reads this. Sorry, I haven't been writing much.
Alot's been going on. I gave my stupid ex-boyfriend another try. I succeeded (YAY!) in getting him to stop drinking, but only after he had a drunken-rage tantrum fit, when I asked him to find my key that was attached to his keys, and he turned over every piece of furniture in his whole apartment. Then he got exhausted, and left it that way for his roommate to clean up, when he got home. I should've seen that he was a loser then (aside from the other 3 times I should have). I got pissed off at him, and went home, crying, tears streaming down my face. I told myself that that night was the last straw! That was Friday.
Of course, he woke up, and told me he missed me, loved me, and that he FINALLY saw he had a drinking problem, and begged me to help him stop. I told him only if he would do it MY way, so he agreed. I told him that I wanted him to go to an AA meeting, to which he said he would go on Sunday. Sunday turned into Monday, Monday turned into Tuesday, and then I put my foot down. I said 'look, dude," (in other words) "you're going, or I'm gone." He argued, and argued, even being angry when we got into the meeting. Of course he blamed me, for...not letting him do it his way, only at this point I didn't care anymore. After the meeting was over, he told me he was going to go to more meetings. I was grateful. I thought it was my big break, the one I had wished, hoped and prayed for, for SO long.
Let me back up a little bit. Saturday, we went to a park just off the lake, where his friends had a keg. We went swimming, ate hot dogs, corn with no butter, and played volleyball. One of his friends (not sure how close they are) sat down very close to me, when I pulled out my camera to take pictures and showed the slightest interest. At that moment, I was so worried that Trey would see me talking to him, so I got up from where I was sitting. Even when we played played volleyball, his friend would drop these small hints about how good of a job I was doing, even though I haven't played since high school. I couldn't help but think about how it should've been Trey who was complimenting me, and showing interest, not his friend. But it just wasn't there...the love...and I was now beginning to realize...
Trey would come up to me, and hug me, and I felt like my world was whole again. Then he'd ask me what was wrong, and as I'd force my thoughts away, I'd say nothing, when it was really everything.
He tried so hard to not drink...and SUCCEEDED! I was so proud of him! Hence, the reason he thought he didn't need to attend meetings anymore. I explained to him that just because he didn't drink for one day, didn't mean he didn't have a problem. Of course he blamed me for being so negative towards the whole situation. After all, didn't I realize how hard it was for him?
In the days since Tuesday...he has told me that if I didn't have an attitude, things would be better, it wouldn't be so difficult for him not to drink, he could be name it, and in the past couple days, I have realized that no matter what I say or do, I will always be the reason for his downfalls. The reason he's broke, the reason he drinks, the reason he smokes marijuana, the reason for everything bad in his life.
So with that said, we are now unfortunately, finally, and officially done. I'm not really sure who's choice it is. I think it's his because he didn't try enough for me to just make it work, and he probably thinks it's mine because of my attitude. But how can I not have an attitude after all that he's put me through. I feel like I just got out of an abusive relationship. All I keep seeing in my head is all of the overturned furniture in his apartment. All I keep hearing is him saying that he "didn't do anything wrong," but he NEVER thought he did. I ask myself how I could love someone like that...
I am about to get some extra in my hands soon, and I was planning on taking him out to a restaurant with a beautiful view of the lake, to celebrate us. However, every time I told him that it should be the other way around-that he should be taking me out, and treating me like gold, he had an excuse. The last time I told him that (Wednesday), he said "Well, maybe if you didn't have such an attitude, I would," to which I told him that my attitude didn't make him financially unstable. My next step was to try and help him get his finances together, something one of his ex-girlfriends had also tried, yet failed to do. He has a drawer full of bills, to which I'm assuming, go from the mail straight into the drawer. When I tried to get them together, he wouldn't let me. This made me think he has something to hide...
It was THEN...that I realized that he has a drinking problem, he has financial problems, he has commitment problems, and he's all around irresponsible, and he will probably ALWAYS be that way. After all, he's 27 years old, and has nothing to show for it...and as much as I wish I could've fixed him, or helped him, or whatever you want to call it---It was just too much, and you can't help someone who doesn't want it.
I hope he stays sober...but it was only today, that I have forced myself to stop looking back, and realize that his problems can no longer be mine, and that I can no longer worry about him making it, or not making it.
My regrets with this whole matter are that I didn't see it sooner. However, I've learned alot of lessons. He wasn't worth going to an al-anon meeting for, because he wouldn't do it for me if things were flipped. Thiswas something that I had to go through. I told him going into this for the umpteenth time that if I didn't try with him, I would never know what we could or couldn't have been, and as much as it hurts, I feel satisfied that I know the answer to that question. We couldn't have made it, because he didn't want to make it. Everything he did was for me, and not for himself, would've never worked. In a relationship, both people have to want it.
JLo said that she never tried in her past marriages. I know exactly what she means. With Trey, I've never tried so much than I did with him, but at least I have some sort of closure in the whole situation.
I regret not letting his friend talk to me on Saturday. Anyone that shows any type of interest in me, is a step above Trey. I wish I could get in touch with the guy, but if I don't or am unable to, then I'll take it as a lesson learned, and tell myself that it was not meant to be.
Now I'm working on tell myself to let it go, and not to worry if he's drinking, or if he's smoking, or if he's making it financially, or if he's thinking of me, or misses me. After all, he might miss me...but it sure isn't enough for him to actually try very it's over... the spell is broken. It's bittersweet, but I know I deserve better, that I can do better, and that if I continue to try with him, I'm only selling myself short, and that I'd be settling.
It's time for me to take some time for myself...Time for me to put myself first... Let the happiness begin :)
08/21/09 1:40PM

I AM DONE! I am beaten, broken, bruised, bent out of shape, withered, tattered, torn, hurt, angry, worn down--I AM DONE!
My boyfriend is no longer, and I am throwing in the towel. After 4 times of leaving, I am done. He continues to go to AA meeting after smoking marijuana, and I am sick of pretending everything is okay, because it's not; and I am sick of pretending that I am the one who isn't doing enough to have made us work, because I'm not!
I deserve better than he could ever give me, and he refuses to give it to me, so I am forced to give it to myself: all of the things that I deserve to have, and to be...
With that said, I'm reading this book called "Better Single Than Sorry". I hope I learn that being single doesn't mean you are incomplete.
09/01/09 2:56PM
I hate Austin traffic with a passion. I'm either going to get a Texas Toll pass, or move back to Chicago, but let me just say, why the hell should I have to pay to get to work faster because the city of Austin can't get their s**t together? I hate you, Austin traffic, and whoever controls it.
I guess that's it for now.
9/28/09 7:52AM
I haven't written in a long time. Since I last wrote, I gave my stupid ex-boyfriend one more go-round, only for him to admit his addiction and an apology, then walk out of my house, with me in tears...I don't know that I'll ever forget that moment.
A week later, he texted me to ask me how my new collie, Journey, was doing, as a reason to talk to me. To which I told him the following:
"You're not allowed to know anything about how I'm doing, until you give up your addictions. You gave up knowing how I'm doing when you chose weed and drinking over me. Sorry."
I haven't heard from him since (secret "Yay!")

Friday, October 23, 2009
I need to know...I need to see...I need to believe that every man out there does not have either a drinking or drug that I don't feel the want to run back to my ex-boyfriend again. Everyone tells me that I'M the one being too uptight, as if I should be okay with him drinking a lot and smoking marijuana every SINGLE day. I'm not okay with that, so why does everyone feel the need to let me know that there MUST be something wrong with me? I honestly have not seen that many guys who don't at least smoke weed. What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Last night, I watched as my neighbor smoked a joint approximately every 30 minutes to 1 hour. Is life THAT BAD that you need to do that much of a drug? And don't even get me started on the drinking and prescription drugs he does. Why should I just BE okay with that?
I don't know anymore...
06/04/10 5:37AM

Hate is a strong word, but I really really REALLY don't like you.
your careless attitude makes me so angry. Because I liked you, because I succumbed to your ways for a week. But mostly because you will never know what it is to care about someone, the way I cared about you. "And it kills me..."
7/06/10 12:03PM
The last month has been the hardest for me, as I've had to give up my collie, Journey. I've also had a falling out with my cousin, who lives 5 minutes away from me. When I made this decision, I no longer felt I had a reason to be in Texas: no family, less work, and I wasn't happy.

However, the second I made the decision, I realized that Austin, Texas wasn't such a bad place after all.
7/23/10 1:52PM

Moving to Chicago
My grandma is sick. I won't get into specifics, but I'm going there to take care of her. I've put in my two week notice for August 5th, which will also be my last day in Texas. Another reason that I'm moving is because my second job doesn't have enough work for me. I made the mistake of thinking I will have the same amount of money no matter what, that the work wouldn't go away. While I realize this is just a slow period in my 2nd job, I was ready to throw in the towel and come home to be with my family.

I've been in Chicago since 08/07/10. I won't do the math of how many days that is. All I know is when I came here I thought it would be a little easier for me to obtain a job, because every other unemployed person must not be looking hard enough, or so I thought. So I continue to look and look and look. I'm getting discouraged very quickly, and I can't help but wonder if I should have stayed in Austin, where jobs are a dime a dozen for me. And every time I get fingerprinted, I'm almost positive I've lost the job, because my arrest at 16. But it's not my fault my mother is unbelievably irresponsible as a parent, and couldn't deal with me. I guess that's what you get for being a part time mother. I was the mother, she seemed to be the daughter, and because she was the actual mother, it was a losing battle against her, and I always ended up getting arrested.
So if they don't want to hire me because I had a childhood that way wrecked by my mother, and they can't understand that, I guess that's not an employer I want to work for. One that can't understand what I went through. I'll pass.